Day 61 | Finding Happiness in Being Ordinary

"...I cherish the day, I won't go astray, I won't be afraid, You won't catch me running, You're ruling the way that I move, You take my air..."

I was driving home from Solana Beach along Pacific Coast Highway to avoid the traffic on the 5 freeway this evening when a song by Sade came on the radio, Cherish The Day, it transported me to a time earlier in my life way before Google, the death of my father, the bird rescue/rehab, hitting rock bottom emotionally or even going through the pain of many lost friendships (that weren't real friendships in the first place...another discussion for a different blog...life's lessons...). The skies were clouding up and the sun was making its final descent so there was a beautiful orange/pink/purple hue out over the water as I drove north - this view mixed with the beautiful music culminated in an emotional wave with tears of familiarity and the sense that this is what happiness must feel like. This drive, one that I've made throughout my life - as long as I could drive - was both familiar and, ordinary.

Recently I was talking with a dear friend and together we realized that though I've been through a lot of emotional struggle in the past few years (actually, my entire life...) I was somehow at a place in my life right now that I've been craving for a very long time - simple, honest, nurturing, educational...sustainable. It may be that I'm really taking care of myself now and that I'm living with a lot more intention and consciousness than ever before but it's really the ordinary way that I'm living day to day that is bringing me so much happiness - does that even make sense? Yes because I'm calmer, less confused and getting healthier by enjoying where I am right now - not where I think I should be.

I should take a step back and explain that for most of my life I have been searching for a place where I belong - where I'm safe - where I feel I can be myself - where I can be loved for who I am - where the beauty of my surroundings overshadow the pain of my childhood and poor decisions I've made to avoid pain as an adult. This constant searching for where I truly belong, with the assumption that once I find it I'll no longer be searching (obviously) is what has led me to travel domestically and internationally. I have so many clips of beautiful and interesting places that replay in my head randomly - sometimes it stops me in my tracks and I wonder if I'm meant to be there. What I have figured out is that I've been searching for love/safety/security in being Theresa and that though I love beautiful landscapes and views, it won't matter where I live until I learn to love and trust myself - to have the courage to live, thrive and flourish for me.

So back to ordinary - anyone who has lived their life believing that they were meant to be special - special because it meant that you didn't have to live like everyone else and that someday, maybe, your specialness would take you to a place where you would be completely left alone to explore and reach your potential without scrutiny and judgment of others who don't have your best interest at heart - will hopefully realize that being ordinary is a lot less stressful way to live your life...this is where I am right now.

FOOD

My love affair still continues with raw vegetable sushi rolls and edamame. I keep thinking I will get tired of it but that hasn't happened yet. I think the sushi chefs at the little local Japanese restaurant are waiting for me to order something else but I just can't get myself to do that.

I have noticed that if I don't have fresh fruit or vegetables in the refrigerator, I will likely not eat them with the exception of eating the vegie sushi. So this isn't good - I am committing to going to the organic supermarket every 3 days to make sure I have both fresh fruit and vegetables so that I can snack on them as well as use them in recipes. I also will be going to a salad bar restaurant (Souplantation in my area) a few times each week to get fresh and varied salads to ensure I'm eating raw and fresh as much as possible. Committing to this way of eating is far reaching in that I have to continue to find ways to make sure I'm eating as healthy as possible - eating to live versus living to eat.

What I ate today:

• Watermelon
• Strawberries
• 'Bologna' sandwich (soy protein)
• Carrot, cucumber and avocado sushi rolls
• Edamame
• Roasted Soy Nuts
• Pretzel sticks
• Soy Latte
• Salad (carrot, radish, tomato, lettuces, zucchini, butternut squash, green bell pepper, cucumber, beet, jalapeno and broccoli)
• Kashi Cinnamon Harvest cereal (dry)